Tonight I cried my way through feeding my baby girl her first cup of milk ever for bedtime purposes. I purposely kept her from nursing. Even as I type this I am not sure what is right and what is wrong. I don't know who I can turn to, who I could talk to about this difficult decision. I don't know what will happen. Will she wake up in the middle of the night crying for me? Will I snuggle her next to me in bed, forgetting how painful her sharp bite is? Will she surprise me and nurse back off to sleep or will the cycle start all over again? Will I still feel like a failure in the morning?
The truth is I am proud. I was uneducated with Hunter. I had no clue how hard our journey would be, how much work breast-feeding is. I also didn't know how good it would feel to make it as far as I have with Hadley. When I stopped at four months with Hunter I thought, "Okay, I tried." I was done. I washed my hands of it. It wasn't until months later as I held him tight one morning feeding him a bottle that I secretly wished we could start over.
With Haddie I had my chance. I read everything I could about nursing. I learned the basics and the science and I willed myself to make it work. The night she was born I fed her and I resolved myself to make it to a year. No 3 week, 4 month or 6 month promise. A year at least, I said, knowing in my heart I would go as long as she allowed us to, regardless of how "weird" or "strange" people thought I was. My daughter, my decision.
& boy did we have our struggles. It was real, it was hard and it was magic. I loved every second of it. I was tormented when her latch was bad and we had to stop for a few days. I prayed for a break that would bring us back into a nursing routine that worked for both of us and it happened. We broke through the obstacles and came out happy on the other side. For me nursing is natural, it's beautiful. It is the absolute best thing I have ever done for my little girl.
Now here we are, almost a year later. I've made it to where I wanted to be. So why does stopping now feel so awful?
I know to those who haven't been there it sounds silly. How can I even want to continue when it's so painful, when I am scared to put her to the breast? Biting is no joke, except for Haddie who thinks it is great fun to bite me. It ruins our session and makes me hesitant to nurse her, but the desire to keep going is so strong! I so wanted to be a toddler nursing Momma. I feel....
lost.
confused.
It's cutting the apron strings in the real-est way you can at 12 months.
So I type and I pray that this is all hormones. Most importantly I pray this is a phase that passes quickly and if it doesn't I pray for strength to keep going because my baby isn't a baby and this is just the first of many times she will prove her independence. I guess she certainly is her Mother's child.
I could definitely use some positive reinforcement.
Got any?
1 comment:
Be grateful that you had the time you did. My daughters only fed for a week each. I'm luck to have had that.
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