Overflowing

If you aren't into stories that leave you wondering if the writer is even within the bounds of sanity, then this blog post is most definately not for you.

However, if you dont mind a little ramble here and there and pure emotion spilled out into the interweb then bear with me, this will get good.

Today my heart is full. It is up the brim, and spilling over full and I am happy.

Three hours ago I was sitting in the OB office, marveling at these beautiful round bellies. Okay so if I am being real, I am sure that these woman at 30+ weeks pregnant, probably don't feel beautiful and in a fit of rage would probably jap slap the first person to imply that fact. (You know pregnant woman, right?) But to me, a woman who remembers those months fondly, I thought them beautiful. & I was jealous. I was. I was insanely jealous of their black and white ultrasounds and the way their significant others were protective and supportive. I was even jealous of the one poor gal doing her one hour glucose test. Crazy right?

Anyways, I am there from complications of having a "big ass" baby. No joke, that's what my Dr. said when she read my file. The whole visit just made me rethink my thoughts on #2. As I have previously said, I am just craving the whole experience again so bad. For 4 months now we have been, leaving things up to fate so to speak. But if I am being honest I am tracking Aunt Flo, and everything that goes along with it. & every month when she comes knocking, I am disappointed. Really, very sad about the whole thing. I got to the point where I asked a close friend who has gone through fertility issues if what I am feeling is normal. I feel selfish for craving number two when some families are woking on number one.

However, I feel justified in my thoughts after talking to her. I feel like my body and mind are only taking the natural course of action. Wanting a baby is a powerful thing. We have this house full of love just waiting for its fourth member and it's natural to be sad when it doesn't happen, over and over again. With that said, we are going to being ttc in April to the fullest extent of the phrase. Until then I am going to try to relax and take care of ourselves and our little boy.

I am overflowing because today I realized how much love their is for me and m family. We have supportive friends who want the best for us and family who are going is on this journey. & in the end we have the smartest little boy to love in the meantime! How could or hearts even take more love? I know they will. They will grown and expand as necessary. But right now, it feels good to be us.

Letter to Hunter- Month 9 Addition

My sweet boy Id love to call you a baby but unfortunately you don't think you are anymore and I guess I have to admit that you are becoming more of a little man each and very day. Your will power and stubbornness rivals my own and as fiercely independent as you are it's hard to imagine that you also need us so much right now.

I delight in watching you get angry over wanting to do everything at once and finding out that you cannot. It means you are learning, and that you are aching to grow and do more. You surprise me every day. The things you pick up and the ways in which you change just amaze me. It's safe to say that once again we are immensely proud to be your parents. I marvel endlessly that somehow your father and I did enough good to receive you, the most perfect little gift. We are thankful and proud as pie to be the ones that get to watch you grow.

So how is nine months exactly?

It is the best time of your short little life. One night you decided you were done with this business of sitting around and waiting for the world to entertain you. You saw what you wanted and you went for it, literally. Since then you have improved your mobility by leaps and bounds. The days of g you down and expecting you to stay are over. You crawl, you pull up on things. You make your way around the coffee table like a pro, forcing me to baby proof everything in site. There is just no stopping you, kiddo.

There is a vast difference in our days a month ago and today. My eyes are open to your antics and when you get quite there is no doubt you have found something you aren't supposed to have. You are extremely independent when you want to be. For instance, reading to you during the day is nearly impossible. Turning pages and pressing any applicable buttons is not an option. In your eyes you are grown and don't need momma to do it. However when I leave the room you cry like I'll never come back. Yet I always do and that smile is enough to warm the greyest day.

Everything has changed, from your eating habits to your bedtime routine. Food for you is such an adventure. Long gone are the days of puréed foods. Instead you are all about eating what mommy and daddy have. We oblige as often as safety allows us to and meals together are quite entertaining! At bedtime is the one time you let us baby you. We grab your last bottle and head for our bed. I read a story and then daddy does and for a couple of minutes you snuggle with us both and then insist on going to bed in your crib alone. I guess for that we should be thankful.

Its just a whole new world little boy. We know you will be walking and talking so we try to cherish life as it is. Life at a pace that allows us to savor all the things you are learning.

I would tell you not to grow all at once but you will anyways so its wasted words. Instead, I'll tell how much I love you. I'll tell you I didn't know my heart could be so full. I'll always love to the moon and back, never forget it.

Always,
Momma