Overflowing

If you aren't into stories that leave you wondering if the writer is even within the bounds of sanity, then this blog post is most definately not for you.

However, if you dont mind a little ramble here and there and pure emotion spilled out into the interweb then bear with me, this will get good.

Today my heart is full. It is up the brim, and spilling over full and I am happy.

Three hours ago I was sitting in the OB office, marveling at these beautiful round bellies. Okay so if I am being real, I am sure that these woman at 30+ weeks pregnant, probably don't feel beautiful and in a fit of rage would probably jap slap the first person to imply that fact. (You know pregnant woman, right?) But to me, a woman who remembers those months fondly, I thought them beautiful. & I was jealous. I was. I was insanely jealous of their black and white ultrasounds and the way their significant others were protective and supportive. I was even jealous of the one poor gal doing her one hour glucose test. Crazy right?

Anyways, I am there from complications of having a "big ass" baby. No joke, that's what my Dr. said when she read my file. The whole visit just made me rethink my thoughts on #2. As I have previously said, I am just craving the whole experience again so bad. For 4 months now we have been, leaving things up to fate so to speak. But if I am being honest I am tracking Aunt Flo, and everything that goes along with it. & every month when she comes knocking, I am disappointed. Really, very sad about the whole thing. I got to the point where I asked a close friend who has gone through fertility issues if what I am feeling is normal. I feel selfish for craving number two when some families are woking on number one.

However, I feel justified in my thoughts after talking to her. I feel like my body and mind are only taking the natural course of action. Wanting a baby is a powerful thing. We have this house full of love just waiting for its fourth member and it's natural to be sad when it doesn't happen, over and over again. With that said, we are going to being ttc in April to the fullest extent of the phrase. Until then I am going to try to relax and take care of ourselves and our little boy.

I am overflowing because today I realized how much love their is for me and m family. We have supportive friends who want the best for us and family who are going is on this journey. & in the end we have the smartest little boy to love in the meantime! How could or hearts even take more love? I know they will. They will grown and expand as necessary. But right now, it feels good to be us.