Aching

I have an almost 8 month old. So what I am about to say may, and probably will shock you. However, since I am almost positive that "you" refers to only two or three readers and one is my sister, one is my husband, and the other is the space where I send these ramblings out into to just be, I will shock away.

I am aching to be a mother again. My. body actually craves a baby's kick. I want so badly to feel those first stirrings and know, Brock and I have created life and that in nine short months we have to jump on that roller coaster that is caring for a newborn.

I find myself so many times reaching down for my belly like I so often did when I was pregnant with Hunter. Sometimes I think of names, and when I am doodling on my grocery list sometimes I even jot them down and then furiously cross them out because it's crazy to even think about another right? Right? I mean, everyone says wait. Wait till you can afford two. Wait till one is out of diapers. Just wait.

But I don't want to. I want to hear another heartbeat. I want to wear my maternity clothes again and start planning another nursery. I want to hold Brock's hand really tightly as they try to get the shot that will reveal our babies gender. I want to go through 28 more hours of delivery and be rewarded at the end by the tinniest most precious sound on earth, my babies first cry.

I want it all. I want to make Bug a big brother. I want to hear Brock tell me I am beautiful and that he is proud of me in the midst of a grueling labor.

But, as I looked in on Hunter tonight, and I noticed how his elbows dimple and I wanted so badly to scoop him up and kiss those very same dimples it hit me hard. He is growing up so fast. If I rush his infancy, I will certainly miss some of those moments.

So, I will suppress the hunger for awhile longer. I will snuggle my little man for as long as possible and call him my "baby" as long as he'll allow me. && when the time is right I'll find myself huddled over the bathroom sink once again, waiting on two sweet pink lines.