Tonight I cried my way through feeding my baby girl her first cup of milk ever for bedtime purposes. I purposely kept her from nursing. Even as I type this I am not sure what is right and what is wrong. I don't know who I can turn to, who I could talk to about this difficult decision. I don't know what will happen. Will she wake up in the middle of the night crying for me? Will I snuggle her next to me in bed, forgetting how painful her sharp bite is? Will she surprise me and nurse back off to sleep or will the cycle start all over again? Will I still feel like a failure in the morning?
The truth is I am proud. I was uneducated with Hunter. I had no clue how hard our journey would be, how much work breast-feeding is. I also didn't know how good it would feel to make it as far as I have with Hadley. When I stopped at four months with Hunter I thought, "Okay, I tried." I was done. I washed my hands of it. It wasn't until months later as I held him tight one morning feeding him a bottle that I secretly wished we could start over.
With Haddie I had my chance. I read everything I could about nursing. I learned the basics and the science and I willed myself to make it work. The night she was born I fed her and I resolved myself to make it to a year. No 3 week, 4 month or 6 month promise. A year at least, I said, knowing in my heart I would go as long as she allowed us to, regardless of how "weird" or "strange" people thought I was. My daughter, my decision.
& boy did we have our struggles. It was real, it was hard and it was magic. I loved every second of it. I was tormented when her latch was bad and we had to stop for a few days. I prayed for a break that would bring us back into a nursing routine that worked for both of us and it happened. We broke through the obstacles and came out happy on the other side. For me nursing is natural, it's beautiful. It is the absolute best thing I have ever done for my little girl.
Now here we are, almost a year later. I've made it to where I wanted to be. So why does stopping now feel so awful?
I know to those who haven't been there it sounds silly. How can I even want to continue when it's so painful, when I am scared to put her to the breast? Biting is no joke, except for Haddie who thinks it is great fun to bite me. It ruins our session and makes me hesitant to nurse her, but the desire to keep going is so strong! I so wanted to be a toddler nursing Momma. I feel....
lost.
confused.
It's cutting the apron strings in the real-est way you can at 12 months.
So I type and I pray that this is all hormones. Most importantly I pray this is a phase that passes quickly and if it doesn't I pray for strength to keep going because my baby isn't a baby and this is just the first of many times she will prove her independence. I guess she certainly is her Mother's child.
I could definitely use some positive reinforcement.
Got any?
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
Letters to Hunter- 2 Years
Hi my sweet little boy,
I am typing this because I am so happy, and so sad that in one hour from now I will spend 24 hours reliving the day you were born. I remember it all so vividly. The entire pregnancy, every little moment that we had getting to know you and then that moment you finally came into the world. I will never forget how excited Daddy got. He rushed over to you and you were so quiet, but you were okay. You were born wide eyed and beautiful, so very beautiful. Daddy brought me a camera as I lay there, wanting you in my arms and you were the most breathtaking thing I have ever laid eyes on. You were bright eyed and taking in your new world. That is still very much the picture I think of when I think of you. It's your personality, down to the core. Wide open from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to sleep. Only now, little man, it's a different world. You aren't a baby, not by any means. You are a big brother, a smart, helpful little boy and really you are my best buddy.
You have an incredible sense of adventure. We all joke about your little legs, but they don't hold you back for a minute. You can keep up with the biggest of the other kids, and you don't let anyone tell you no, not even me. Your little legs get to running and you are gone, squealing as you run from me, or Daddy or whoever else is trying to wrangle you into submission.
You are funny. You love to make me laugh, and you love to make Hadley laugh too. If you believe for one second you can get away with something, you will try. You will look up at me from under those long eye lashes and go right about your business, no matter how much I threaten you. Fearless. You like to tickle us and go through your animals sounds until we get to cat and then it's a giggle fest as you tell us a cat says "nowwwwww" and that muppets say "waka waka waka". You love to blow bubbles on Daddy's belly and grab Haddie's piggies to maker her smile.
You are sweet. Like, can't even get onto you because you are so sweet. Sly little thing. Every so often you will come up to me, or ask me as Daddy is driving. "Need a hand." and you just want to hold my hand for a minute. Oh my heart. & bedtime when you come give me a "tiss" and then demand sissy gets two. I love that you still think it's cool to hug your momma and ask me to "help you, help you!". Lately you have been saying "uh oh" and apologizing for every little thing. Today you hit Darby with the gate and ran up and hugged his neck and said "sorry." It was precious. Your genuine apology melted my heart.
I feel like two is halfway to 12, which is half way to 30 and so on. It's going by so fast. I want to slow it down. I want to spend forever watching you learn. I love the way you pick up new words and try anything at least once. I love watching your little heart grow bigger and bigger. You love us fiercely and are protective, and wild, and willful and wonderful. I knew I wanted to be a Momma, but you Hunter have molded me into something I didn't know I could be. You are the love of my life (along with Daddy and Haddi of course) and I am so honored to be your mother. I couldn't have asked for a better son, and I treasure every single second of being your Mommy.
I love you to the moon and back Hunter Bug.
-Mommy
I am typing this because I am so happy, and so sad that in one hour from now I will spend 24 hours reliving the day you were born. I remember it all so vividly. The entire pregnancy, every little moment that we had getting to know you and then that moment you finally came into the world. I will never forget how excited Daddy got. He rushed over to you and you were so quiet, but you were okay. You were born wide eyed and beautiful, so very beautiful. Daddy brought me a camera as I lay there, wanting you in my arms and you were the most breathtaking thing I have ever laid eyes on. You were bright eyed and taking in your new world. That is still very much the picture I think of when I think of you. It's your personality, down to the core. Wide open from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to sleep. Only now, little man, it's a different world. You aren't a baby, not by any means. You are a big brother, a smart, helpful little boy and really you are my best buddy.
You are funny. You love to make me laugh, and you love to make Hadley laugh too. If you believe for one second you can get away with something, you will try. You will look up at me from under those long eye lashes and go right about your business, no matter how much I threaten you. Fearless. You like to tickle us and go through your animals sounds until we get to cat and then it's a giggle fest as you tell us a cat says "nowwwwww" and that muppets say "waka waka waka". You love to blow bubbles on Daddy's belly and grab Haddie's piggies to maker her smile.
You are sweet. Like, can't even get onto you because you are so sweet. Sly little thing. Every so often you will come up to me, or ask me as Daddy is driving. "Need a hand." and you just want to hold my hand for a minute. Oh my heart. & bedtime when you come give me a "tiss" and then demand sissy gets two. I love that you still think it's cool to hug your momma and ask me to "help you, help you!". Lately you have been saying "uh oh" and apologizing for every little thing. Today you hit Darby with the gate and ran up and hugged his neck and said "sorry." It was precious. Your genuine apology melted my heart.
I feel like two is halfway to 12, which is half way to 30 and so on. It's going by so fast. I want to slow it down. I want to spend forever watching you learn. I love the way you pick up new words and try anything at least once. I love watching your little heart grow bigger and bigger. You love us fiercely and are protective, and wild, and willful and wonderful. I knew I wanted to be a Momma, but you Hunter have molded me into something I didn't know I could be. You are the love of my life (along with Daddy and Haddi of course) and I am so honored to be your mother. I couldn't have asked for a better son, and I treasure every single second of being your Mommy.
I love you to the moon and back Hunter Bug.
-Mommy
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Letters to Hunter- 22 Months
My little big man,
Where do I start with you? You want to know what I can hear right now. Through the monitor and across the house you are in your room, supposed to be napping. What I hear however, are the sounds of you playing. "Reading" books, and climbing on and off your big boy bed. Sometimes I hear it get quiet and I know you have fallen asleep in front of the door, curled up on your blanket and clutching your sip pie cup or whatever toy you had been playing with.
Just an hour ago, I watched you take my keys from the car, walk up the walk and count the steps as you climbed them. Then you found the key and attempted to put it in the lock. How fast your little brain is working! I remember smiling as you practically skipped up the walkway that I always wanted to remember that moment. Watching my little boy be as big as he knew how to be.
You literally amaze me everyday with what you have learned when I wasn't looking. Whether it be a new shape, or word or funny phrase. Last night before my tennis class, you would grab your "ball" and tell Daddy, "Dada sit." You would tell him to "catch" and then grab his finger and have him follow you, saying "come here, get it" when it would get tossed out of reach. You are putting sentences together!! How wild is that?
I'm finding it a little hard to keep up with you. To be fair you are a wild man. You have such a willful attitude. You know what you want. Everyone calls you "Rambo" for rambunctious. I have never seen so much persistence in a little one. I am thankful for that, even if it's hard now. I pray you are a leader, not a follower. I want you to be strong in your convictions, always ready to stand up for what you believe in. I am proud already of that trait I see in you.
As wild as you are you are also so incredibly sweet. One of my favorite things you have been doing lately is your sweetness at bedtime. Daddy always gets you your juice, then he tells you to ho give Mommy & Sister a kiss. You run and kiss Sissy, then me, and sometimes Sissy again. & then Daddy tucks you in. Sometimes you ask one of us to lay down with you. You pat the bed or your pillow. Granted, its probably an attempt to milk a few extra minutes before bedtime, but watching that little hand touching the pillow pleading for us to stay is too much. I always oblige you, and lay down for a minute. Sometimes you want me to play with your hair or rub your arm. Sometimes you just want to lay your hands on mine while you drink your juice. & then always, always you wave and say "night, night" as we walk away.
& the next morning, I love hearing you call for Mama from across the house.
You are such joy to raise. Just when I think I am taking on too much, and being a terrible mother you show me how much you love me and recharge my spirit. In teaching you manner, and about the Lord I am finding so much joy. I know that is my number one purpose as your mother, to train you to be a servant and a loving, giving man. I hope I am doing that. I hope that your fierce personality and sweet temperament span into your adult life.
I have this feeling I will be watching you with awe as you love your wife and children one day, so incredibly proud of who you have become. Right now however, I am completely content to watch you learn to do puzzles and spell tiny words. Keep learning sweet boy! To the moon and back...
-Mama
Where do I start with you? You want to know what I can hear right now. Through the monitor and across the house you are in your room, supposed to be napping. What I hear however, are the sounds of you playing. "Reading" books, and climbing on and off your big boy bed. Sometimes I hear it get quiet and I know you have fallen asleep in front of the door, curled up on your blanket and clutching your sip pie cup or whatever toy you had been playing with.
Just an hour ago, I watched you take my keys from the car, walk up the walk and count the steps as you climbed them. Then you found the key and attempted to put it in the lock. How fast your little brain is working! I remember smiling as you practically skipped up the walkway that I always wanted to remember that moment. Watching my little boy be as big as he knew how to be.
You literally amaze me everyday with what you have learned when I wasn't looking. Whether it be a new shape, or word or funny phrase. Last night before my tennis class, you would grab your "ball" and tell Daddy, "Dada sit." You would tell him to "catch" and then grab his finger and have him follow you, saying "come here, get it" when it would get tossed out of reach. You are putting sentences together!! How wild is that?
I'm finding it a little hard to keep up with you. To be fair you are a wild man. You have such a willful attitude. You know what you want. Everyone calls you "Rambo" for rambunctious. I have never seen so much persistence in a little one. I am thankful for that, even if it's hard now. I pray you are a leader, not a follower. I want you to be strong in your convictions, always ready to stand up for what you believe in. I am proud already of that trait I see in you.
As wild as you are you are also so incredibly sweet. One of my favorite things you have been doing lately is your sweetness at bedtime. Daddy always gets you your juice, then he tells you to ho give Mommy & Sister a kiss. You run and kiss Sissy, then me, and sometimes Sissy again. & then Daddy tucks you in. Sometimes you ask one of us to lay down with you. You pat the bed or your pillow. Granted, its probably an attempt to milk a few extra minutes before bedtime, but watching that little hand touching the pillow pleading for us to stay is too much. I always oblige you, and lay down for a minute. Sometimes you want me to play with your hair or rub your arm. Sometimes you just want to lay your hands on mine while you drink your juice. & then always, always you wave and say "night, night" as we walk away.
& the next morning, I love hearing you call for Mama from across the house.
You are such joy to raise. Just when I think I am taking on too much, and being a terrible mother you show me how much you love me and recharge my spirit. In teaching you manner, and about the Lord I am finding so much joy. I know that is my number one purpose as your mother, to train you to be a servant and a loving, giving man. I hope I am doing that. I hope that your fierce personality and sweet temperament span into your adult life.
I have this feeling I will be watching you with awe as you love your wife and children one day, so incredibly proud of who you have become. Right now however, I am completely content to watch you learn to do puzzles and spell tiny words. Keep learning sweet boy! To the moon and back...
-Mama
Letters to Haddie- 4 Months
My sweet precious Hadley,
I am pretty sure you just woke up a couple of weeks ago and decided "newborn" wasn't your style. Gone were the days of you laying around, patiently waiting for someone to entertain you. You want to go, you want to move. You are a constant reminder of how very much I need to perfect my art of multi-tasking. I hold you. Cooking dinner, eating dinner, reading a book, writing this blog. You love to be snuggled, but only as long as you can see your world. No laying down for you! Your big blue eyes take in everything, from your wild and crazy brother-bear to Momma and Daddy as we go about our business. Your little body can be so tired, but you would be fighting sleep. Always afraid to miss something, my little curious girl.
You have really completed our family Haddie Jo. You came at such a strange time for your Daddy. Your Nanny had taken a turn for the worse, but God sent you, our little angel to remind us all how beautiful life can be. & with you, it has been. I delight in seeing your big wide eyes every morning. I love that you sleep with us for the last part of the night, curled up under my arm and right next to my belly. I love that some mornings I open my eyes to find your tiny fingers splayed across my chest, close to my heart. & I love, love, love that sweet baby smell. You add a special warmth to Mommy & Daddy's bed that could never be replicated.
I am cherishing every moment we spend nursing. I have to remind myself that we worked so very hard to get where we are, and I am so thankful you were a patient learner and an even stronger fighter. We knew what we wanted and look at us now! We spend a couple times a day, holed up in a comfy chair just getting to know one another. It's invaluable time that I have to sit still for a moment and just be with you. It's a moment I can watch your little lashes as you finally nod off to sleep. Sometimes you aren't tired. Sometimes its a battle to get you to eat, you are so happy. More often than not you spend your time eating breaking your latch in big gummy grins. Those are without a doubt my favorite smiles. Milk dribbling out, you are in a state of pure bliss. & the feeling is mutual my girl.
I know that you are growing. I can see it every day in the new things you learn, your excited new expressions and your fierce personality that is coming to light. I know it, but my heart simply aches at the thought of losing my little baby girl. Part of me is so thrilled for the days of doing "Mommy & Me" things. Baking in the kitchen, being crafty together, getting our nails done, picking out the perfect party dress. Another part of me wants you forever like this, chunky and sweet and completely mine. Before you grow up and the world takes you I hope you know you were incredibly cherished just as you are. I always said I would never call my girls, "Princess." but that is definitely what you are sweet babe. My perfect, pretty Princess. Even if God had let me custom pick a baby, there is none other that could be as wonderful as you. He knew exactly what he was doing when he sent us you. To the moon and back my little one...
-Mommy
I am pretty sure you just woke up a couple of weeks ago and decided "newborn" wasn't your style. Gone were the days of you laying around, patiently waiting for someone to entertain you. You want to go, you want to move. You are a constant reminder of how very much I need to perfect my art of multi-tasking. I hold you. Cooking dinner, eating dinner, reading a book, writing this blog. You love to be snuggled, but only as long as you can see your world. No laying down for you! Your big blue eyes take in everything, from your wild and crazy brother-bear to Momma and Daddy as we go about our business. Your little body can be so tired, but you would be fighting sleep. Always afraid to miss something, my little curious girl.
You have really completed our family Haddie Jo. You came at such a strange time for your Daddy. Your Nanny had taken a turn for the worse, but God sent you, our little angel to remind us all how beautiful life can be. & with you, it has been. I delight in seeing your big wide eyes every morning. I love that you sleep with us for the last part of the night, curled up under my arm and right next to my belly. I love that some mornings I open my eyes to find your tiny fingers splayed across my chest, close to my heart. & I love, love, love that sweet baby smell. You add a special warmth to Mommy & Daddy's bed that could never be replicated.
I am cherishing every moment we spend nursing. I have to remind myself that we worked so very hard to get where we are, and I am so thankful you were a patient learner and an even stronger fighter. We knew what we wanted and look at us now! We spend a couple times a day, holed up in a comfy chair just getting to know one another. It's invaluable time that I have to sit still for a moment and just be with you. It's a moment I can watch your little lashes as you finally nod off to sleep. Sometimes you aren't tired. Sometimes its a battle to get you to eat, you are so happy. More often than not you spend your time eating breaking your latch in big gummy grins. Those are without a doubt my favorite smiles. Milk dribbling out, you are in a state of pure bliss. & the feeling is mutual my girl.
I know that you are growing. I can see it every day in the new things you learn, your excited new expressions and your fierce personality that is coming to light. I know it, but my heart simply aches at the thought of losing my little baby girl. Part of me is so thrilled for the days of doing "Mommy & Me" things. Baking in the kitchen, being crafty together, getting our nails done, picking out the perfect party dress. Another part of me wants you forever like this, chunky and sweet and completely mine. Before you grow up and the world takes you I hope you know you were incredibly cherished just as you are. I always said I would never call my girls, "Princess." but that is definitely what you are sweet babe. My perfect, pretty Princess. Even if God had let me custom pick a baby, there is none other that could be as wonderful as you. He knew exactly what he was doing when he sent us you. To the moon and back my little one...
-Mommy
Saturday, January 25, 2014
22 Months
Hunter Brock, we can't believe it but you are almost two years old! Holy cow, where does the time go? I feel like it wasn't that long ago I was blogging about being pregnant with you! Who gave you the go ahead to grow up?
I know one thing, I am cherishing every tender moment I have with you because right in front of my eyes you are turning into a heart, wild little man! I now that's the way it goes but you are breaking your mother's heart, or putting it into an irregular rhythm at least. Slow down little one...
Age: 22 Months
Clothes: Poor thing is on the short side. Sorry buddy! He is still wearing 12-18 months but really that's even a little big! He has the shortest little legs but man can he run! When we bought him bug boy underwear we had to find these tee-tiny 2t undies for him! He is finally in a size 5 shoe and he got the cutest pair of toms for Christmas that I am in love with. Grey, so they match everything. Which is good, 'cause his Momma is about as OCD as they come.
Favorite Foods: Do smoothies count? Bug will drink anything out of a straw, and if the thought of pureeing all of his meals didn't gross me out I would, just to get out of the "fight" that is mealtimes around here. He is VERY picky, and that is a new trend. However he does like: berried, bananas, pizza, peanut butter & jelly, oatmeal, jello, chips of any kind & of course anything with sugar. Little stinker..
Favorite Words: All of our names (Mama, Dada, Sister, Nana, Papaw, etc.) Ball, Bye Bye, Night Night, Hey, No (of course), 'nana (for banana), juice, uh oh, oh man, alright, comin', get it, Beau & Will (all dogs are Beau and all little kids are Will), down (for up & down and sounding dangerously like a curse word) shoes
Favorite Activities: Climbing on things, playing with his stack able crayons, reading (finally!), taking a bath, going outside, playing with the dogs, watching a little Disney Jr. He is very persistent and also very independent. He can easily entertain himself for hours! It's really amazing to me.
Favorite Things: Mama & Daddy & definitely sister. Oh man, he loves her! His crayons and coloring book, things he shouldn't have like nail clipper and my coffee cups. He loves to go "bye bye" and will eagerly request socks and shoes so he can go outside. He loves to watch his movie in the car when we go places. Bath time is a hit here! He pitches the biggest fit when it is time to get out and get dressed.
Signature Moves: Kicking and screaming anytime we try to dress or undress him. When he gets mad, he literally goes from standing to laid out on the floor. He plays this game where he covers his eyes and we ask "Where are you Hunter?" and so lately when he is in trouble he covers his eyes so we "can't see him". Very cute. He also runs and gives me and sister a kiss every night before we put him to bed. Always sister first. & he loves to read before bed. When I get to Goodnight Moon he whispers "hush" like the little old lady the whole time I read. Speaking of bed, the kid WILL NOT lay down for a nap. By the time he gives in every day it's 4:00 and he sleeps right on into dinner time! It's awful!
Mom's Proudest Moment: Chick-fil-A with the two kids alone, without a doubt. I had the bright idea to take them in yesterday. WORSE IDEA EVER. Hunter pitched a fit, peed through his pants and so I pack everything up and head for the exit. Where he promptly throws his head back in a tantrum and I accidentally hit his head on the door on the way out. Oh. My. Lord. I have never been so embarrassed!
Other Milestones: Peed in the potty twice! Then all over the floor for the rest of the day, but hey, it's a start right? He also can eat by himself and drink his smoothies by himself. He also can count to three but usually he likes "one, two, two, two" better. He can identify a range of things in his 100 first words book, although I don't see us learning xylophone & water hose anytime soon. Why are those even in there? We also had our FOURTH haircut and we transitioned to the big boy bed/room like a champ!
Monday, January 13, 2014
Medulla Oblongata
Exciting title eh? It's not what you think.
Picture it. If you know me I have this thick southern accent. so here I am talking to my best friend about birth and labor and , "My doula..." and it comes out sounding a lot like "medulla" like from medulla oblongata. Waterboy with Adam Sandler? Have I lost you?
Well pick back up with me and my awesome DOULA. We did get a good laugh over that but then I did have to explain what exactly a doula was and what she would be doing in regards to our birth experience.
As defined by DONA International,
"The word "doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves" and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period."
& Valerie ((medulla)), was just that and so much more.
Valerie is first and foremost an amazing woman and friend. We know her and her family closely, and the other way around. We had actually first met Val, when we started a bible study and were pregnant with Hunter. We of course had Hunter, and you can read about his story here.
Later, after the birth of her son, Val began really pursuing her passion and we were so thrilled when we got pregnant with Hadley, and decided on a VBAC. We knew we had to have Val in that room with us. Then we made the decision to go natural and she became even more of a necessity.
We became clients and we had a meeting with her where she really explained to us what her role would be. Throughout the whole process we felt so grateful for her wealth of knowledge and her unwavering support of our choices.
Fast forward to the day I go into labor. Val is the first person I call at 7am to let her know I am in labor. She was in constant contact all day, providing support through text and phone calls. She gave advice on pain management since we would be laboring at home. She even came over to go on a walk with us in our neighborhood. She encouraged me, and helped me see the light at the end of the labor tunnel.
At 7pm when it was time to go in, Val was right behind us. She met us in triage and seeing her was the push I needed to keep going. From the moment she walked into our triage room, she was a calming but strong presence. Between her and Brock I felt so supported and loved.
When we moved to the labor and delivery room it was Val that kept cool rags on me. My back, and head, and neck. It was her who kept fluids in me and spoke to the Drs when I couldn't get the words out. She gave Brock the break he needed to just be my rock. Because of her diligence he was able to stay where I needed him, holding my hand and talking me through the pushing process. It was Valerie that held my hand after my baby girl was born and the did the repair work. She let me know everything was okay. She helped me feed my little one for the first time, and even ran to the vending machine to get us snacks.
To sum it up, she was an angel.
She was the best decision we made the entire pregnancy. No chiropractic care, or pregnancy diet, or book (although all of those things are great) was as valuable to us as she was.
I know that this idea of a "doula" is different to a lot of people in this time, but it is really a forgotten art and I have never met someone so passionate about their job.
I urge everyone to read a little bit more about doula's here. & when you hire one, ((because you will want to hire one)) look into my sweet friend. You will not regret it!
Last but not least;
Our labor was whirlwind fast but between all of her amazing support for us she was able to capture a couple of pictures for us since it was too quick for our photographer to come in. I would like to share them with you in this format. I treasure them more than any photo I have and so wish I had some of Hunter's birth! Here are our first recorded memories of our sweet Haddie.
Picture it. If you know me I have this thick southern accent. so here I am talking to my best friend about birth and labor and , "My doula..." and it comes out sounding a lot like "medulla" like from medulla oblongata. Waterboy with Adam Sandler? Have I lost you?
Well pick back up with me and my awesome DOULA. We did get a good laugh over that but then I did have to explain what exactly a doula was and what she would be doing in regards to our birth experience.
As defined by DONA International,
"The word "doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves" and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period."
& Valerie ((medulla)), was just that and so much more.
Valerie is first and foremost an amazing woman and friend. We know her and her family closely, and the other way around. We had actually first met Val, when we started a bible study and were pregnant with Hunter. We of course had Hunter, and you can read about his story here.
Later, after the birth of her son, Val began really pursuing her passion and we were so thrilled when we got pregnant with Hadley, and decided on a VBAC. We knew we had to have Val in that room with us. Then we made the decision to go natural and she became even more of a necessity.
We became clients and we had a meeting with her where she really explained to us what her role would be. Throughout the whole process we felt so grateful for her wealth of knowledge and her unwavering support of our choices.
Fast forward to the day I go into labor. Val is the first person I call at 7am to let her know I am in labor. She was in constant contact all day, providing support through text and phone calls. She gave advice on pain management since we would be laboring at home. She even came over to go on a walk with us in our neighborhood. She encouraged me, and helped me see the light at the end of the labor tunnel.
At 7pm when it was time to go in, Val was right behind us. She met us in triage and seeing her was the push I needed to keep going. From the moment she walked into our triage room, she was a calming but strong presence. Between her and Brock I felt so supported and loved.
When we moved to the labor and delivery room it was Val that kept cool rags on me. My back, and head, and neck. It was her who kept fluids in me and spoke to the Drs when I couldn't get the words out. She gave Brock the break he needed to just be my rock. Because of her diligence he was able to stay where I needed him, holding my hand and talking me through the pushing process. It was Valerie that held my hand after my baby girl was born and the did the repair work. She let me know everything was okay. She helped me feed my little one for the first time, and even ran to the vending machine to get us snacks.
To sum it up, she was an angel.
She was the best decision we made the entire pregnancy. No chiropractic care, or pregnancy diet, or book (although all of those things are great) was as valuable to us as she was.
I know that this idea of a "doula" is different to a lot of people in this time, but it is really a forgotten art and I have never met someone so passionate about their job.
I urge everyone to read a little bit more about doula's here. & when you hire one, ((because you will want to hire one)) look into my sweet friend. You will not regret it!
Last but not least;
Our labor was whirlwind fast but between all of her amazing support for us she was able to capture a couple of pictures for us since it was too quick for our photographer to come in. I would like to share them with you in this format. I treasure them more than any photo I have and so wish I had some of Hunter's birth! Here are our first recorded memories of our sweet Haddie.
Val, Brock and I treasure you. We will never forget your amazing selflessness in what you do. You were so "there" for both of us and we are forever grateful. Love you so much!
Ups & Down
Today was a doozy. ((or is it doosy?)) Are you with me here?
But boy was it beautiful as well.
I am thoroughly amazed at how God gives us the ability to handle so many emotions all at once. In the space of 24 hours I have run the gamut of emotions. A roller coaster ride like no other. A winding road of...
No more analogies. You get me. Right? Right.
Is I just being a woman? Maybe. A human being? Yes. A mother? Definitely.
I am THANKFUL for all these emotions.
Thankful that today my heart was broken & then it was mended while driving down 278 glancing at my oldest make funny faces at his movie in my rear view. So grateful that women I have known a little, and some I have known my whole life went out of their way to make me laugh and make me feel supported. Surprised because I won something today. I never win anything. I felt like Scarlett Johansson when she won that cooler in "He's Just Not That Into You". I felt overwhelming love when I crawled into bed with my husband. Strong in my knowledge that even as the world falls apart he is there, patiently waiting for me to let him help me pick it all back up again. Joy in a random encouraging text from a best friend who never fails me, no matter how long we go without talking. Excitement over a new journey through Christianity and the unimaginable freedom that is waiting on the other side. I got to feel laughter and little boy kisses, and baby girl snuggles. All in one day.
That is peace y'all. && thank you Lord for that peace.
I prayed and hoped and dreamed for this life. I always have. I always wanted this journey to end here. & then it did. It happened before I was even sure what was going on. It's like I woke up one day to this amazing life. Don't get me wrong, I am reminded every day of the struggles. It just ain't easy sister. There are bad days. There are days I barely make it. I sit in one spot for more hours than I should admit. I let the house go and the kids run crazy. I drink copious amount of caffeine. But my husband comes home and he loves me, and my son & daughter oh man how they love me. There is so much peace in all of that. Peace in the piles of laundry. Peace in the mess from dinner, left until tomorrow.
I don't know how to explain it. I just know all of a sudden I am where I am meant to be and I am thankful. I feel like I have come home. & because of that I can take on the world some days. Those days are awesome. But I can also let. it. be.
I can cry, and laugh and feel unimaginable peace, all in one day. How lucky am I?
So, I have to remember to just let it go. Let it go, and let God.
Repeat,
Let Go & Let God.
I don't know where I heard that but a million thanks for your brilliance. It really is as simple as all that.
But boy was it beautiful as well.
I am thoroughly amazed at how God gives us the ability to handle so many emotions all at once. In the space of 24 hours I have run the gamut of emotions. A roller coaster ride like no other. A winding road of...
No more analogies. You get me. Right? Right.
Is I just being a woman? Maybe. A human being? Yes. A mother? Definitely.
I am THANKFUL for all these emotions.
Thankful that today my heart was broken & then it was mended while driving down 278 glancing at my oldest make funny faces at his movie in my rear view. So grateful that women I have known a little, and some I have known my whole life went out of their way to make me laugh and make me feel supported. Surprised because I won something today. I never win anything. I felt like Scarlett Johansson when she won that cooler in "He's Just Not That Into You". I felt overwhelming love when I crawled into bed with my husband. Strong in my knowledge that even as the world falls apart he is there, patiently waiting for me to let him help me pick it all back up again. Joy in a random encouraging text from a best friend who never fails me, no matter how long we go without talking. Excitement over a new journey through Christianity and the unimaginable freedom that is waiting on the other side. I got to feel laughter and little boy kisses, and baby girl snuggles. All in one day.
That is peace y'all. && thank you Lord for that peace.
I prayed and hoped and dreamed for this life. I always have. I always wanted this journey to end here. & then it did. It happened before I was even sure what was going on. It's like I woke up one day to this amazing life. Don't get me wrong, I am reminded every day of the struggles. It just ain't easy sister. There are bad days. There are days I barely make it. I sit in one spot for more hours than I should admit. I let the house go and the kids run crazy. I drink copious amount of caffeine. But my husband comes home and he loves me, and my son & daughter oh man how they love me. There is so much peace in all of that. Peace in the piles of laundry. Peace in the mess from dinner, left until tomorrow.
I don't know how to explain it. I just know all of a sudden I am where I am meant to be and I am thankful. I feel like I have come home. & because of that I can take on the world some days. Those days are awesome. But I can also let. it. be.
I can cry, and laugh and feel unimaginable peace, all in one day. How lucky am I?
So, I have to remember to just let it go. Let it go, and let God.
Repeat,
Let Go & Let God.
I don't know where I heard that but a million thanks for your brilliance. It really is as simple as all that.
Friday, January 3, 2014
((Create)) Making it Count 2014
“Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.”- Joss Whedon
This year I was challenged by another blogger with a couple of writing prompts, one being to choose a word that will define my year, this year. I chewed on the thought for awhile, tugging between a couple ideas of how I want my year to go. I realized I had too many dreams, too many goals, and that most words wouldn't fit my vision. What did fit however, was a word that can be molded to fit multiple facets of my life. My family, my spiritual walk, my career, my very person. That word is create.
I intend to create time. Yes, create time. Nudge things out of the way that consume me and create space for my little ones, for my husband.
I will be creative in my career. I will endeavor to pursue my education, and explore my creative side. I want my clients to know I am passionate about my work, and passionate about their memories. which brings me to...
Creating memories of my own. Memories with my family. Vacations, pajama parties in mommy and daddy's bed, messy art projects, and spur of the moment date nights. & not only creating them but being creative in my documentation of them. More blogging, more getting eye to eye with my kids and capturing their little personalities. More photo books and prints made. More embracing my life and then filing it away to relive years down the road.
I am vowing to make a creative attempt at being a better mom, wife, friend, and child of Christ.
Time to get out of the box and be a better me.
After all,
“Creating means living.” -Dejan Stovanovic
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Young Love
I came across a blog today, 23 Things to Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23.
Before I read it I think, okay, I get it...We are witnessing in America a huge rise in babies having babies and the divorce rate is overwhelming. So sure, I understand how someone could look at us in the "under 23" category and say we are crazy for jumping into marriage and babies.
& then I read it, and was just so incredibly sad for this woman who obviously just needs to turn the mirror inward and reflect on her own life.
I could say a million ugly things about her and her "philosophies" on life but really I can only address what I know. What I know, as a married woman with two kids who is 23 years old is this:
I have learned more in my three years of marriage and motherhood about myself than that girl will ever learn by standing naked in front of windows, making out with strangers, and cutting her hair.
By now you are wanting to read her ridiculous post, so here you go.
So here are a couple of things I have learned and know BECAUSE or maybe in her opinion IN SPITE OF of getting engaged, married, oh & knocked up and fat before 23.
1. I agree with you girl, your spouse can be a safety blanket. & that rocks. There is nothing like knowing at the end of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. that the person you love is there to catch you, love you. Be in love with you. & that means every single piece of you. Forever.
2. I know the struggle and joy of learning to live simply. Did I get a passport, travel the world, and explore the "unknown"? No. What I did do was put complete faith in my husband to take care of me, and vowed to do the same in return. Waiting patiently on payday and budgeting where every single dollar will go. Waiting for years together for that perfect job opportunity. Sticking it out in the hard times. Talk about brave.
3. I learned that my body and I can be strong. Stronger than Crossfit can ever make you. I have conceived a child, carried that child for nine months, labored for 23 hours and then had him taken from me in a cesarean. You know what? I did it again. This time I labored with the help of my husband for 16 hours and with nothing but my own strength as a woman and the endless support from my husband gave birth to that pretty baby girl.
4. Marriage is tough. Every day I have to take the time to put my husband first and that's okay, because he is putting me first too. At the end of the day, our needs aren't always met but there is peace in knowing that I am being actively pursued by my husband. Day in, day out. He never fails.
5. Being a mother has taught me patience. Yes, I am tested daily. Sometimes to the very edge of my sanity. & then I find incomparable joy in my little ones. It's worth it.
Did I "know myself" when I said "I Do"? Maybe not. I did know that I loved my soon to be husband, I knew that he was the perfect fit for me. & I was brave enough to commit to finding myself with him, saving my adventures for him and I to share together, and allowing myself to be loved in a way I never thought possible. & the coolest part? I get to spend the rest of my life finding myself, and I get to do it with the coolest husband and most awesome kids by my side.
Enjoy your cocktails & Nutella. If it looks like this life, then I'll take settling down any day.
Before I read it I think, okay, I get it...We are witnessing in America a huge rise in babies having babies and the divorce rate is overwhelming. So sure, I understand how someone could look at us in the "under 23" category and say we are crazy for jumping into marriage and babies.
& then I read it, and was just so incredibly sad for this woman who obviously just needs to turn the mirror inward and reflect on her own life.
I could say a million ugly things about her and her "philosophies" on life but really I can only address what I know. What I know, as a married woman with two kids who is 23 years old is this:
I have learned more in my three years of marriage and motherhood about myself than that girl will ever learn by standing naked in front of windows, making out with strangers, and cutting her hair.
By now you are wanting to read her ridiculous post, so here you go.
So here are a couple of things I have learned and know BECAUSE or maybe in her opinion IN SPITE OF of getting engaged, married, oh & knocked up and fat before 23.
1. I agree with you girl, your spouse can be a safety blanket. & that rocks. There is nothing like knowing at the end of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. that the person you love is there to catch you, love you. Be in love with you. & that means every single piece of you. Forever.
2. I know the struggle and joy of learning to live simply. Did I get a passport, travel the world, and explore the "unknown"? No. What I did do was put complete faith in my husband to take care of me, and vowed to do the same in return. Waiting patiently on payday and budgeting where every single dollar will go. Waiting for years together for that perfect job opportunity. Sticking it out in the hard times. Talk about brave.
3. I learned that my body and I can be strong. Stronger than Crossfit can ever make you. I have conceived a child, carried that child for nine months, labored for 23 hours and then had him taken from me in a cesarean. You know what? I did it again. This time I labored with the help of my husband for 16 hours and with nothing but my own strength as a woman and the endless support from my husband gave birth to that pretty baby girl.
4. Marriage is tough. Every day I have to take the time to put my husband first and that's okay, because he is putting me first too. At the end of the day, our needs aren't always met but there is peace in knowing that I am being actively pursued by my husband. Day in, day out. He never fails.
5. Being a mother has taught me patience. Yes, I am tested daily. Sometimes to the very edge of my sanity. & then I find incomparable joy in my little ones. It's worth it.
Did I "know myself" when I said "I Do"? Maybe not. I did know that I loved my soon to be husband, I knew that he was the perfect fit for me. & I was brave enough to commit to finding myself with him, saving my adventures for him and I to share together, and allowing myself to be loved in a way I never thought possible. & the coolest part? I get to spend the rest of my life finding myself, and I get to do it with the coolest husband and most awesome kids by my side.
Enjoy your cocktails & Nutella. If it looks like this life, then I'll take settling down any day.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
& Our Story Continues
As 2014 draws near, you can't help but reflect on the past. 365 days. 365 chances to make incredible memories, and soak them up. I think that I can speak for our family of four, and say that we did that.
January, coming into 2013 we took our first trip as a family. We enjoyed a couple of days in the mountains, giving Hunter his first taste of snow, and our first taste of road-tripping with baby. I learned that I am not a skiier, or snowboarder for that matter. I do however, know how to hold down a bleacher with a hot cup of chocolate in my hand.
February, my sister and I got big into the gym. & it was on the way to it one morning that I realized I might be pregnant. It was in that gym bathroom that I just couldn't wait and took a pregnancy test. & it was in that gym that it hit me. We are going to be parents again. Holy crap. I told Brock a couple of days before Valentines, spent weeks soaking that up as well as celebrating his birthday and V-Day. We loved knowing about baby #2 and I spent more than a couple of moments crazy in love {{yes already}} with my second child. But, Hunter's birthday was coming up and that brings us to...
March, we told our families. They were of course very excited. Hunter got his first hair-cut this month, officially turning into a little man. The end of the month we announced that were were expecting! We celebrated Easter with big plans, our first Easter basket, and a sweet pair of red sunglasses.
April, our big boy turned ONE! We enjoyed having our friends and family around us celebrating one of the biggest moments of my life, Hunter's birth! We also planted a huge family garden and got chickens, and spent a lot of hot days putting up fences, planting beans and crossing our fingers for fast growth.
May, Hunter started walking and the pace of our lives picked up. We also found out something you already know, our sweet little babe was a girl! The daughter I had prayed for. We were on cloud nine. A perfect little boy and a sister on the way...Can the year get any better? The garden started producing and we started getting eggs. Summer was in full swing, and we were loving it!
In June, I found out that it could. I was thrilled to take our first beach vacation as a family. We went to Tybee Island with our friends/family the Spears. Hunter hated sleeping in the condo, but his crying was worth it the first morning we got up as the sun was rising and took a walk to the beach. I cried like a baby watching my baby see the sand and waves for the first time. He was thrilled and I was thrilled watching him. I'll never forget him holding his Daddy's hands and letting the waves crash into his little feet for the first time, and the huge smile on his face as experienced it. Pure wonder. & totally amazing.
July, Turns out that 2013 was a year of firsts. For some ungodly reason we took our first camping trip together one of the hottest weeks of the year with me 24 weeks pregnant. Note to self: Get pregnant in the Summer next time. Being that pregnant in the Summer just ain't fittin. We also celebrated my nieces first birthday & started to realize just how fast our kids were growing. & last but not least we celebrated our 2nd anniversary.
August, My baby sister got married. We planned, and planned and argued, and planned but the day came and went and it in spite of the rain it was beautiful. Most importantly, she was beautiful & she was happy and I gained a brother in law and a nephew in the deal. {{Aren't I lucky?}}
September, Wait. Life is fast. Wasn't it just February? September was fairly laid back. We were enjoying the last few months with Hunter as an only child. I had a beautiful shower thrown by some amazing friends and family and we staretd counting the days till we got to meet our Haddie.
October, It was here. The month that we would meet our daughter. We spent the days staying busy, taking Hunter to the Zoo, and getting another yes, another haircut, and other things to bide our time. I started gearing myself up for a long wait, but our darling girl made her appearance on the 19th, a couple days before her due date. We were perfectly smitten and still are. & then came Halloween and before we knew it she was almost a month old. Where does the time go? We also Hadley's namesake, Betty Joyce Watkins. A beautiful, kind, loving woman, who taught me a lot in the short time I knew her. She also gave me the gift of my Brock. He get's his sense of humor and huge heart from her. I thank her for that and will miss her greatly.
November, We celebrated Thanksgiving as a family of four. I count my blessings daily, but it was a special day to relish all the goodness that we have in our lives. I can't even begin to describe how blessed I felt.
& here we are. In December, and I am writing this and just shocked at how full our lives have been. Brock jokes that, "We met in 2009, started dating in 2010, got engaged and married in 2011, had a son in 2012 and a daughter in 2013. 2014 better be a quiet year." It's funny but that's how it has been for us. Fast paced but such a wonderful ride. We know that there will probably be no marriages or babies this year but I hope I can look back at the end of '14 and have this overflowing feeling I feel now.
Here's to special moments, and the people we get to spend them with! Out with the old, in with the new.
Hope everyone has a safe & happy New Year!!
January, coming into 2013 we took our first trip as a family. We enjoyed a couple of days in the mountains, giving Hunter his first taste of snow, and our first taste of road-tripping with baby. I learned that I am not a skiier, or snowboarder for that matter. I do however, know how to hold down a bleacher with a hot cup of chocolate in my hand.
March, we told our families. They were of course very excited. Hunter got his first hair-cut this month, officially turning into a little man. The end of the month we announced that were were expecting! We celebrated Easter with big plans, our first Easter basket, and a sweet pair of red sunglasses. April, our big boy turned ONE! We enjoyed having our friends and family around us celebrating one of the biggest moments of my life, Hunter's birth! We also planted a huge family garden and got chickens, and spent a lot of hot days putting up fences, planting beans and crossing our fingers for fast growth.
May, Hunter started walking and the pace of our lives picked up. We also found out something you already know, our sweet little babe was a girl! The daughter I had prayed for. We were on cloud nine. A perfect little boy and a sister on the way...Can the year get any better? The garden started producing and we started getting eggs. Summer was in full swing, and we were loving it!
In June, I found out that it could. I was thrilled to take our first beach vacation as a family. We went to Tybee Island with our friends/family the Spears. Hunter hated sleeping in the condo, but his crying was worth it the first morning we got up as the sun was rising and took a walk to the beach. I cried like a baby watching my baby see the sand and waves for the first time. He was thrilled and I was thrilled watching him. I'll never forget him holding his Daddy's hands and letting the waves crash into his little feet for the first time, and the huge smile on his face as experienced it. Pure wonder. & totally amazing.
July, Turns out that 2013 was a year of firsts. For some ungodly reason we took our first camping trip together one of the hottest weeks of the year with me 24 weeks pregnant. Note to self: Get pregnant in the Summer next time. Being that pregnant in the Summer just ain't fittin. We also celebrated my nieces first birthday & started to realize just how fast our kids were growing. & last but not least we celebrated our 2nd anniversary.
August, My baby sister got married. We planned, and planned and argued, and planned but the day came and went and it in spite of the rain it was beautiful. Most importantly, she was beautiful & she was happy and I gained a brother in law and a nephew in the deal. {{Aren't I lucky?}}
September, Wait. Life is fast. Wasn't it just February? September was fairly laid back. We were enjoying the last few months with Hunter as an only child. I had a beautiful shower thrown by some amazing friends and family and we staretd counting the days till we got to meet our Haddie.
October, It was here. The month that we would meet our daughter. We spent the days staying busy, taking Hunter to the Zoo, and getting another yes, another haircut, and other things to bide our time. I started gearing myself up for a long wait, but our darling girl made her appearance on the 19th, a couple days before her due date. We were perfectly smitten and still are. & then came Halloween and before we knew it she was almost a month old. Where does the time go? We also Hadley's namesake, Betty Joyce Watkins. A beautiful, kind, loving woman, who taught me a lot in the short time I knew her. She also gave me the gift of my Brock. He get's his sense of humor and huge heart from her. I thank her for that and will miss her greatly.
November, We celebrated Thanksgiving as a family of four. I count my blessings daily, but it was a special day to relish all the goodness that we have in our lives. I can't even begin to describe how blessed I felt.
& here we are. In December, and I am writing this and just shocked at how full our lives have been. Brock jokes that, "We met in 2009, started dating in 2010, got engaged and married in 2011, had a son in 2012 and a daughter in 2013. 2014 better be a quiet year." It's funny but that's how it has been for us. Fast paced but such a wonderful ride. We know that there will probably be no marriages or babies this year but I hope I can look back at the end of '14 and have this overflowing feeling I feel now.
Here's to special moments, and the people we get to spend them with! Out with the old, in with the new.
Hope everyone has a safe & happy New Year!!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Welcome to the World Sweet Hadley
I want to take a minute to record the whirlwind birth of our
daughter, while it is still fresh in my mind. I am sure I will have
little to no sanity left after the next few weeks.
Anyone reading this that has been in close proximity with me this
pregnancy know that although I hoped and prayed this little girl would
make her appearance before her due date, I secretly thought and dreaded
that we would go way over like we did with her brother. At my 39 week
appointment, when we made the 40 week appointment I almost couldn’t hold
it together. You know how it goes, you are just beyond ready to meet
the little thing you have carried for nine months. I wasn’t particularly
uncomfortable this pregnancy, but I was just ready to have her in my
arms. After experiencing Braxton Hicks for weeks, my body was tired and I
was just game for anything. Or so I thought.
Friday October 18th, Brock and I took Hunter to Cumberland for some
PF Changs. I had been craving it and thought the spicy couldn’t hurt.
That evening we stopped by my mom and dads to just hang out and enjoy
their company and I spent most of the night laughing. My dad has that
effect on people. We went home, put Bug to bed and I poured the tiniest
glass of wine known to man and jumped in the bath tub, trying to relax
before bed. We went to bed, another day down. I woke up twice that night
to pee, once at 3:00am and once at 6:00am. Both times I noticed a
little cramping but nothing that kept me awake so I would go back to
sleep.
At 7:00am on the 19th a dream woke me up and I knew something was
different. I woke Brock up and sure enough there was some fluid. I
thought maybe I peed a little, but I got up and took a moved around just
to see and when nothing else came out I figured it was not my water. As
I was trying to get comfortable enough to go back to sleep I noticed I
was having some contractions. I jumped in the shower and then started
blow drying my hair, and we started timing them. They were a consistent 6
minutes apart. Sometime thereafter I noticed some pink when I went to
the restroom so I figured that it was all just my mucous plug, no big
deal, and that we would go on about our day. I called the midwife just
to be sure it was okay to go stay at home. She said it was.
I had a nail appointment with my sister in law at 10:00 and with the
okay from my midwife, I went ahead and planned to do that. I had
contractions here and there but really didn’t time anything because it
wasn’t enough pain to make me stop what I was doing. When we got back
home, my sister in law took Hunter for the day so we could rest “just in
case” this was the big day. I spent most of the day in the bath tub,
which is the only thing that helped with the contractions. We did head
to my Mom and Dad’s to take my mind off things for awhile. At this point
it was close to 4:00 and I was starting to doubt that what I was
feeling was labor. I thought maybe it was early pains but it would be
days surely. We called my in laws and told them they could bring Hunter
home. They did, and he went down for a nap. I continued the next couple
hours on the ball, eating when I felt like it, and getting in and out of
the tub. At 6:30 Hunter had been asleep for awhile and I told Brock we
should wake him so he would sleep that night. He got in my bed with me
and we cuddled. He was being so sweet. We spent the next couple hours
being lazy, with me breathing through contractions that were still 6
minutes apart. Once again, I hopped back in the bathtub to see if I
could relax a little. I quickly noticed that contractions went from 6
minutes to 3 minutes apart and I was finding it hard to breathe through
them. At one point my Mom was on the phone, and one hit me and I just
threw the phone a Brock and started moaning into the pillows. We called
the midwife, and waited. And waited. And waited. It was probably only 15
minutes but it felt like an eternity. In the meantime we frantically
started looking for someone to come stay with Hunter, Brock finished
packing the car, and I lost my mind on the bed. The midwife called back,
and said, “Come now.”
It hit me. We had labored ALL DAY and then, bam, come now. My sister
in law got here, I kissed Hunter and we were gone. My Doula and sweet
friend Val assured us she was right behind us and my parents and Brock’s
mom and sister got ready to leave as well.
The drive was 45 minutes of torture. I tried to look out the window
and stay calm but I was scared to death and I could tell things were
happening, and happening fast. We were having a baby. Maybe not right
away, but she was coming, and she was coming on her own! I couldn’t
believe it! After a parking nightmare at the hospital we were checking
in. I had one while we were waiting for triage and I could feel all the
nurses watching me. Brock and I swayed till it passed and then we were
going down the hall to triage room #4. They got a gown on me and I got
on the bed. Off came the gown, I was so hot all of a sudden! She asked
if she could check me, and we went over my birth plan for a few
contractions. She explained I had to be monitored for 20 minutes. All of
a sudden I had a contraction from hell. I yelled at Brock that I “COULD
NOT” do this. I was scared, and I wasn’t going to do it. The nurse, a
sweet girl names Jessica, grabbed my hand and my thigh and talked me
down from the ledge. My doula made it in and we worked through a couple
more hard ones and then Jessica said they had a room for me. We started
down the hallway and I stopped along the way to ride another one out.
In the room, I sat down on the edge of the bed and they said they
would get the tub ready. I decided to go pee before they got me all
hooked up. Brock went with me and I peed, stood up and I had a
contraction and all of a sudden my water broke! I screamed because I
thought I had just had the baby. On the floor. In the bathroom. It was
so loud and sudden. Everyone rushed in, and I could hear the nurses and
midwives start getting excited. As I got back to the bed I could feel
myself bearing down, (very much like having a bowel movement) and I
somehow managed to tell whoever was holding me up that I felt that way.
She said I was pushing and that was okay. They raised the bed and I got
on my knees leaning over the back. Val kept putting cool rags on me and
giving me water. I remember someone saying that we were having a baby. I
thought they were lying. I thought they were trying to make me feel
better. I wanted the tub. Someone told me there was no time.
After this, everything is such a blur. At this point I was
contracting every minute or so and with each contraction I was pushing
my baby girl out! I had no clue I was doing it, I just knew it felt
better and I wanted her out! My body took over completely. They said
they wanted me to turn over. The said she had hair. I started telling
Brock I couldn’t do it. I told him I was too scared, and that I wasn’t
doing it right. I kept apologizing for being a baby. It was completely
instinctual. I moaned/screamed my way through them, gritting my teeth
and gripping the pillow. Brock was always there, always telling me I WAS
doing it, and that we were having our little girl. He told me “Good
Job” so many times I started believing it.
We got flipped over and I pushed again. They said that was it! I was
pushing her down! They could feel her. They asked if I wanted to and I
said no. I wanted her out though. Funny now that I was trying to joke
even then. I don’t know how many contractions we pushed. No one counted,
or told me what to do, and I was glad for that. I wouldn’t have been
able to listen anyways. Hadley and me knew what we were doing and we did
it. It got really bad for a minute, I think she was crowning. Brock got
all excited and I knew she was coming. We pushed and her head was out. I
remember someone saying that it was out, and the shoulders were coming.
One push later the shoulders were out and so was the rest of my little
girl! They put her on my belly and I honestly can’t describe it. She was
right there and so perfect! She was looking right at me, and was so
beautiful! A head full of dark hair. Brock kissed me and I was in
heaven. Here was my little Haddie all safe and sound and we did it
together!
After maybe thirty minutes of pushing she was here. Hadley Joy
Watkins was born at 11:25pm on Saturday October 19th, 2013. She was 7
lbs 6.5oz and 18 1/2 inches long. She looked incredibly, just like her
big brother!
The nurse and I started cleaning her off, and they let her be. Just
she and I and it was wonderful. They left her there with me until they
had to take her to start working on me and it was seriously the most
precious moment of my life. Brock cut the cord, and he was so proud.
I am still in shock. Looking back at the weeks I spent wondering it
all happened exactly like it was supposed to. I remember reading stories
of fast labors and just shrugging them off. That wouldn’t happen to me.
Hunter took 28 hours and a C-Section, surely Hadley would be as
stubborn! From the time we checked in to the time she was born was only
an hour and half. How crazy is that? I never had time to adjust. My
body did, but my mind didn’t. Even as I was pushing out my daughter I
was saying I couldn’t but I did do it! We did it together and it was
everything I had ever hoped it would be! I am so proud of how my body
took over and got my girl here the way it did. I was so proud of Brock,
for never letting me doubt myself. & I was so proud of me! I trusted
myself and I came through!
Now we are home with both babies. It is pure bliss. I look at this
little girl and I am so grateful. I am more in love with Brock than I
thought I could be. He amazes me with his willingness to take care of us
and how in love he is with both our son, and our daughter. Hunter is
amazing as well. He loves his little sister and I know he will be an
amazing big brother. & then there is Hadley…
You create these tiny little beings, and you spend nine months or
longer waiting to meet them. You picture their hair, and their nose, and
their little smiles but nothing prepares you for meeting your children.
She is everything I wanted and so much more. I love every little thing
about her, from the way she keeps her tongue stuck out to the way she
curls her hands up by the sides of her head to sleep. I will never
forget the moments that got her here to us. Thank you Lord for your many
blessings.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Embrace the Camera {{Family Photos}}
Lets be honest for awhile. It 11:50 at night, just rocked the baby to bed again. I just got the link to our most recent family photo shoot. I am in tears, both for good and bad reasons.
First off, they are beautiful. We chose to do a lifestyle session in our home. I had planned to have sunshine streaming through the windows. That was not to be. The morning dawned rainy and just ugly. We trucked on however and really did have a good time. Haddie fell asleep as the photographer (a good friend of mine, the very talented Jennifer) walked through the door. Hunter had other plans. He was a wild man. Rarely looking at the camera and althogh he is normally all over his sister, he refused to even touch her. Whatever. Moving on.
One week later and Jenn sends me the link. They are beautiful. They really do capture how in love with Hadley and life as a family of four we are. The reason for the sad tears is a silly one. I have never been happy with the way I look for one reason. It doesn't have anything to do with my weight, or how my hair looks, or whether or not my outfit is perfect. It's something that has scars that run way deeper. My smile.
I have always hated my smile. I hate my teeth, I hate how my smile makes my eyes look. I just hate it.
It may be the reason I picked up a camera and started shooting other people. Since getting married I have consistantly turned the camera around on Brock and Hunter, and now Hadley, rather than getting in the pictures myself. When looking through photos I am then saddened that I am not in any of them! & it's really all my fault.
However, do I really want my insecurities to keep me out of these precious photographs? No. Not a chance. One day I want to be sitting with the kids, poring over boxes of photographs and laughing or crying at them. Definately not crying because my kids can't find a picture of Mommy. && are they going to care how I was smiling? Nope. They will only see that I was. Pretty sure that is all that matters.
So.
How fitting that while taking a bath the other night I ran across this lovely blog on Bloglovin'. Emily has launched an initiative to {embrace the camera}! How wonderful is that? Won't you head on over and check her out as well as join in the mission to embrace the camera yourselves? I think I will work on it myself!
& now for the photos
First off, they are beautiful. We chose to do a lifestyle session in our home. I had planned to have sunshine streaming through the windows. That was not to be. The morning dawned rainy and just ugly. We trucked on however and really did have a good time. Haddie fell asleep as the photographer (a good friend of mine, the very talented Jennifer) walked through the door. Hunter had other plans. He was a wild man. Rarely looking at the camera and althogh he is normally all over his sister, he refused to even touch her. Whatever. Moving on.
One week later and Jenn sends me the link. They are beautiful. They really do capture how in love with Hadley and life as a family of four we are. The reason for the sad tears is a silly one. I have never been happy with the way I look for one reason. It doesn't have anything to do with my weight, or how my hair looks, or whether or not my outfit is perfect. It's something that has scars that run way deeper. My smile.
I have always hated my smile. I hate my teeth, I hate how my smile makes my eyes look. I just hate it.
It may be the reason I picked up a camera and started shooting other people. Since getting married I have consistantly turned the camera around on Brock and Hunter, and now Hadley, rather than getting in the pictures myself. When looking through photos I am then saddened that I am not in any of them! & it's really all my fault.
However, do I really want my insecurities to keep me out of these precious photographs? No. Not a chance. One day I want to be sitting with the kids, poring over boxes of photographs and laughing or crying at them. Definately not crying because my kids can't find a picture of Mommy. && are they going to care how I was smiling? Nope. They will only see that I was. Pretty sure that is all that matters.
So.
How fitting that while taking a bath the other night I ran across this lovely blog on Bloglovin'. Emily has launched an initiative to {embrace the camera}! How wonderful is that? Won't you head on over and check her out as well as join in the mission to embrace the camera yourselves? I think I will work on it myself!
& now for the photos
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